I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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