just survived the first fart of the relationship.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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