Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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