I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
