i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Do vagina's smell?
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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