im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
A bitchslap is in order.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
