i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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