You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
