I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
