She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
