Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Thank you for not boning my boss.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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