stop calling my apartment porn island.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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