Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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