I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
