sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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