why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
