its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
