He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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