i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
