theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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