Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
