We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
