Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
