Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
