Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Bring me that man meat
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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