ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
