I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
