Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
