That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
