: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
