i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Girls should come with a carfax report
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
