I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
And then my night got REAL pukey
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize