Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Are these your boobs on my camera?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
