I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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