so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
