So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
