TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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