I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
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