I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
