My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
