Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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