Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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