He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
