On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
