She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
