how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
