At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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