Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
