Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
