just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
