I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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