mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
