Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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