just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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