Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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