Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
