just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Randomize