you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
