Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
