it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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