Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
